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… you’ll still have your reputation,” said Hugo Chavez in a stage whisper, in front of all our admirers.

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Green hypocrisy

Just a short one this, and I’m afraid you’ll have to take my word for it since I’m not about to try to get photographic evidence while driving. Earlier today I was driving behind an ancient and badly maintained bucket of bolts that was smoking badly enough to obscure half a battlefield, which in itself doesn’t bother me hugely. Windows up and aircon on recirculate and I caught barely a whiff of it. What did annoy me was what else was being obscured by the smoke, which only became visible when I pulled up behind it at some red lights. The rear of the car was covered in every eco-bandwagon sticker you can imagine.

Now on the one hand it’s more right on than scrapping a perfectly serviceable vehicle and replacing it with a new hybrid, constructed at greater energy expense than keeping an existing car going. No, that’s fine.

But dig your hand in your pocket and do some fucking maintenance, you thoughtless, polluting, anti-social arsehole.

Larf of the day

From The Tele:

The Prime Minister disclosed that he would not rule out “the use of military assets” as Britain “must not tolerate this regime using military forces against its own people”.

Er, Dave? What military assets? Sure, you can send a sub to lob a Tomahawk or two in Gaddafi’s direction, though at more than half a million dollars a shot you probably need to ask the bank manager first. Other than that Britain has one aircraft carrier, which an ex-navy mate once told me is not a proper aircraft carrier anyway, but with all the Harriers gone it’s not quite clear what use it’d be. You have a couple of landing ships plus HMS Ocean, but of course the Army is still busy fighting Tony Blair’s pet war or enjoying the finest German porn the Rhineland’s cities have to offer while helping guard them against any East German force that attempts to cross No Man’s Land. You do have more than a hundred Tornado ground attack aircraft, though presumably some of them are in the ‘Stan and Germany too, but of course you’re getting rid of a load of pilots of all types which eventually restrict your ability even to have cargo aircraft dropping manure on people. And you still can’t do that anyway as it probably counts as bio-war, and in any case you’re years away from having Airbus’s bigger, better, pricier, later version of the Hercules to help.

So don’t you think you’re stretched a little bit thin for credible sabre rattling, Dave? Or are you planning to ask the Libyans if they wouldn’t mind waiting another 5-10 years, because with the mess that Colostomy Brown left for you to clear up you really can’t manage anything much more beyond a marathon session of Call of Duty 4: Modern Warfare?

Take your hand off it, Dave. Nobody’s fooled.

Unintended consequences

Victoria is one of those places that have decided that people conceived through sperm donation have a greater right to know their biological parents than that biological parent has to anonymity, and predictably enough it’s creating problems with supply because there is also a ban on importing, er, gentlemanly fluid. Not into the country, just into the state.

VICTORIA is so short of sperm donors that some women are flying interstate for IVF treatment, prompting calls to ease restrictions on importing sperm.
Fertility doctors say demand for sperm has surged since laws giving single women and lesbians access to IVF were brought in last year, with some patients waiting up to nine months.
The removal of anonymity has also made some men reluctant to donate, and restrictions that mean they can only give sperm to 10 families have also increased the need for more donors.

Now I’m quite sure that these rules and laws were well intended. I’m sure that public health issues were in the thoughts of those who banned imports, and that human kindness was considered when anonymity was scrapped (though considered only for one party), and that simple fairness and possibly even a touch of liberty was the motivation for allowing single women and lesbians to have IVF. But surely, surely someone involved could have noted that the combination of the three was going to push demand up and reduce supply and lead to what can best be described as a black market for wanking, with all the problems that implies.

With just 184 registered sperm donors left in Victoria, fertility doctors say some patients are resorting to DIY inseminations using unscreened sperm, which carries the risk of infection.

Melbourne IVF director John McBain said the regulator was being too strict with the rules.
”The shortage is as bad as it’s ever been and when the wait is so long to get access to a donor it just pushes it underground again and people seek their own remedy using uncounselled, unconsented donors and unquarantined sperm,” he said.
”The worrying risk of that is chronic viral illness infection with either hepatitis B or HIV because a lot of single women tend to source gay men as their donors.

So the combined effect of controlling supply on health grounds is forcing desperate women to unhealthy sources. Oh, great. Give yourselves a fucking pat on the back, you idiots.

Federal laws prohibit paying donors for sperm, although reimbursing costs is allowed.

But payments will be made for sperm and it’s naive to think otherwise. There’s already a black market for breast milk as I blogged last September. Can anyone seriously think it isn’t going to happen with sperm? If there’s a demand someone will supply it, legally or illegally. That’s just how people are.

Fortunately we have the Victorian Assisted Reproductive Treatment Authority on hand to solve the problem. Oh, wait, no. They’re just explaining why we have to have the bloody problem and put up with it rather than go back to anonymous donations or import sperm from elsewhere in the country or even, such as a clinic in Brisbane, from the USA.

”The guiding principles of the act are that the welfare of persons born as a result of treatment is paramount, and they have a right to information about their genetic parents.
”There would be no regulatory body in the US ensuring that their donor’s details are kept up to date because there is no central register like there is in Victoria.
”There’s a growing body of evidence that young people want to have the choice to obtain information about their donor when they become adults, so it not just the matter of supply.”

Oh, well, fine. It’s not going to solve a damn thing unless a lot more men answer the predictable request for more sperm donors at the end of the article, but I’m sure knowing why it has to be this way will make everyone feel a lot better.

Wankers.

A pathetic bellend with an uninspiring career who deserves to disappear up his own arse with alacrity…

meets David Hasselhoff.

A looter condemned out of his own mouth – UPDATED

From Polly Toynbee’s latest bowel movement (H/T to someone on the blogroll when I can remember where it was I saw the link) on the entirely legal tax arrangements of Philip Green and Arcadia and the protests against them. Not something from Pol herself, though other commenters pointed out how quiet she is about the Guardian Media Group’s own off-shore tax-minimising activities – and very successful they are too, incidentally – but from the comments:

There you have it. In this person’s worldview money earned does not in fact belong to those who earned it but to that which writes the law: the almighty, all-knowing, benevolent state.

Wanker.

UPDATE – belated H/T to The Ranting Penguin.

Cognitive Dissonance Of The Fucking Century Award.

It can’t be anyone other than Liam Byrne, can it?

Shadow Treasury chief secretary Liam Byrne accused the Government today of being “hell bent” on destroying the foundations of economic success laid by Labour.

Nothing was laid by Labour, you idiot, but an awful lot was fucked. I can’t even bring myself to wade through the rest of the self righteous wibble about how Labour’s handling of the recession, which if I recall involved spending the boom years spunking away every spare penny and going into colossal debt rather than putting anything aside, was so brilliant because anyone who believes that the Cobbleition actually wants to make things even worse than the fucking mongsters who left this massive pile of festering, fly blown shit on the nation’s living room carpet has to be so far away with the fairies that he ought to be granting wishes or getting someone to wake the sleeping princess. Or is it anything to do with his name being an anagram of By Liar Men?

H/T Leg-iron, who shot perfectly good whisky out of his nose over this.

Sorry, no refunds.

Many years ago I bought a car. In fact it was my first car, and I was moderately pleased with myself because it was fairly cheap. However, it was also a Fiat and nearly everyone I knew told me that Fiats had a reputation for being a bit useless. ‘If it starts first time it’ll never make it all the way to where you’re going,’ they said. ‘It stands for Fix It Again Tomorrow,’ they said. ‘Don’t for Christ’s sake buy that bloody Fiat,’ they said. And although many journeys were completed without it breaking down, proving that there was a lot of hyperbole in what I’d been told, it was nonetheless true that these were broken up by periods of absolute rage and misery because the fucking thing was off the road for some reason or other. Even when it was working it seemed there was always something that needed to be fixed, even if it was more an annoyance than an actual hindrance. There were probably good Fiats around (I had a decent Fiat years later) but this one was a dog.

It wasn’t as bad as I’d been told it would be but I had been warned it’d be a dog and it was. And who’s to blame? Who was responsible for inflicting the bastard thing on me? Who should have paid the price for my misfortune? Only one name comes up, a certain Mr A Exile. I chose to ignore advice and buy a car with a poor reputation just because it was a cheap set of wheels, and neglected to consider that the everything between those cheap wheels might be more demanding and less stable than Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction.

Oil pressure light.

And I did indeed pay the price, literally and figuratively, for not listening to advice. Caveat emptor, as the Romans said, meaning ‘you bought it, tough shit’. Nobody made me do it and I did so knowing that others had advised me against it. There is nothing to be done in this situations but accept it and move on, though bizarrely some don’t see it that way.

Labour have failed in an eleventh-hour attempt to get compensation for people who bought ID cards as MPs approved legislation to scrap them.

It had to be Labour, didn’t it? The party with absolutely no concept of people being responsible for their own decisions.

Shadow ministers wanted people who own cards to be refunded, saying they had bought them in “good faith”.

Like I did with that car? Look, sometimes you just have to accept that you’ve made a bad decision. It’s part of being human and imperfect, and when all it’s really cost you is thirty quid and some face I’d suggest you’ve got the benefit of an important life lesson for a bargain price. Refunds? Pah!

Labour’s Denis MacShane, a cardholder himself, said his money was effectively being “confiscated” and said if someone’s house had been taken by the state, that would get recompense.

Demonstrating that Labour also has little grasp of what happens when you buy something. In return for getting something you want or think you need you give your money away. It is not confiscated, and since governments and politicians in general and socialists in particular are experts at confiscating money I find it very disappointing that Denis McShane is unable to tell the difference. You still have your card, Denis. What you are unhappy about is that it has become worthless and without any useful function, even though many felt they always were and it was never a secret that the ID card scheme would be scrapped if Labour lost the election. The value of pointless government shit may go down as well as up.

… SNP MP Pete Wishart said it was “tough luck” on card owners as they had made an informed choice to buy one.

“We have to be absolutely and abundantly clear with this – ID cards are exclusively and solely a New Labour creation,” he said. “All other parties in this House made it absolutely clear that we would have nothing whatsoever to do with them.”

Ministers say cardholders were aware they would be invalidated with a change of government.

Quite. But if McShane wants to press the point maybe it would be worth conceding that perhaps both parties should settle up.

Rejecting calls for compensation, Immigration Minister Damian Green said the scheme had cost £292m but fewer than 15,000 cards had been issued – equivalent to £20,000 per card.

“This is by any standards a scandalous waste of money which lies squarely at the door of ministers in the previous government,” he said.

“We don’t see why the taxpayer should have to pay out yet again.”

No, but here’s a thought. Denis McShane and nearly 15,000 other pricks who wanted ID cards got them in the face of all the opposition and in the knowledge that their future wasn’t assured, and they got the rest of the country to bloody pay for it all. Compensation, Denis? Sure, but first let’s discuss the 19,970 quid difference between the cost of the card you wanted and what it cost the rest of the country. Alternatively you could just grow up, accept the fact that you made a poor buying decision that is your responsibility and your’s alone, and shut the fuck up.

H/T Looking For A Voice.

Leopards and spots.

Ali D in da Big House

I sometimes wonder if it’s there are suit-friendly laws that are encouraging it or if it’s possible to actually become addicted to playing the race card. If it is possible then surely Ali “Is It Coz I Iz Black?”* Dizaei should be checked because he’s at it again.

Disgraced police chief Ali Dizaei plans to sue the prison service for failing to protect him from a brawl in which he allegedly attacked another cellmate.

Wait, what? He’s suing the prison service for not protecting him from a fight he initiated?

Pffffft.

The corrupt former Metropolitan Police commander is demanding damages from prison authorities – even though he is being investigated by police for allegedly assaulting another inmate.
The 47-year-old, who is serving a four-year sentence for misconduct in a public office and perverting the course of justice, is accused of lashing out after a family photograph in his cell was apparently defaced by a cellmate.

He claims that he was the victim of a racist attack. And he has complained about a spate of racist and violent abuse by his assailant, saying not enough has been done to protect him.
He claims the inmate made threats to his wife and children in June, culminating in a heated row last Sunday when the prisoner allegedly attacked him.
The fight at HMP Prescoed, an open prison in south Wales left both prisoners with minor injuries.

Gwent Police are investigating after both men blamed each other. Dizaei’s lawyers claim he was taken to hospital following the assault, which is denied by prison officials.

Odd. Shouldn’t be difficult to prove one way or the other so it sounds like one side or other is being very stupid.

The former officer, who has been attacked a number of times in prison…

There’s a shock. Were they all racially motivated too? Or were some because he was a new prisoner or a bent copper? With multiple reasons – not, I should emphasise, justifications – for hitting him it’s hard to say which, if any, were racially motivated or why the racial ones are somehow more worthy of reparation than if someone just thought he was a prick who deserved a shoeing.

… has now been moved to another jail for his own safety. But his possessions, including clothes and photographs of his wife and children, were smeared in excrement before he arrived at his new cell, it is claimed.

I’m prepared to believe he’s been on the receiving end of racist abuse, though being both a Muslim and a bent copper I do wonder if he’d choose to view any pig related remarks to be racist (even though Islam isn’t a race) even if they were meant to refer to his old job. Prisons are unlikely to be full of nice race-aware Guardian reading types who’ll pick over their words with extreme care so as not to cause offence so it’d be surprising if someone hasn’t called him names and resorted to his ancestry in the process. But sticks and stones, Ali, sticks and stones. Yes, smearing crap over your possessions and in particular your  photographs was completely out of order, but the actual motivation for it might simply be that the person involved thinks of you as an unbearable cunt or hates police officers – yes, I know, cop haters in prison, of all places. Look, the prison authorities should certainly investigate it and, if possible, punish the person responsible, but they should do that anyway. It’s not necessarily race related and it certainly isn’t racist of the prison staff to allow the other to put his face in the way of your fists. I’d call that a personal self control problem of yours rather than a racism problem of theirs.

* Since he’s Iranian born and therefore, I presume, ethnically Aryan (oh, the irony) whatever “it” is because of it certainly isn’t because he’s black. I’ve never quite got how not being ethnically British qualified him to be President of the National Black Police Association, but since they’re careful to point out that they are all inclusive and have no colour bar on membership presumably we can expect a white police officer to lead it at some stage, right?

Quote of the Day.

An anonymous Labour source on the possibility of Ed Millivanilliband challenging for the party leadership (my emphasis).

“Ed is gearing himself up to go for it. He has told his mum he wants to do it.

Bwahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.

Some Aussie culture – part 10

Australians apparently believe that unsafe driving habits cause ginger people and emos. Not cause them to do anything, just cause them.

Quirky perhaps, but no stranger than a lot of beliefs. And if they’re right about what’ll happen to Facebook I’ll be on the phone without my seatbelt all afternoon until I run out of petrol.

Incidentally, these ads were the subject of literally some complaints. I’m relieved to say that they haven’t been pulled or banned till after the watershed or anything. YouTube, on the other hand, gave me a content warning and made me sign in to watch them. Wankers.

Cameron the small stater.

Where the fuck did this come from?

David Cameron unveiled an ambitious plan to roll back the size of the state with an election manifesto that placed responsibility and self-reliance at the heart of the nation’s regeneration.

Excuse me one moment.

Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.

Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.

Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.

Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

Ahahahahahahahahahahahaha

Ahahahahahaha.

Ahaha.

Okay, I think I’ve got that out of my system. This is a man who said he’s not a libertarian because

… freedom can too easily turn into the idea that we all have the right to do whatever we want, regardless of the effect on others. That is libertarian, not Conservative – and it is certainly not me.

It’s certainly not you, but it isn’t libertarian either, you cocktemptible fucking goon. Libertarianism is not the right to do whatever you want regardless of the effect on others but the right to do whatever you want providing there is no negative effect on others. If the man who hopes to run the country in a few weeks time can’t understand that fundamental point then he’s not fucking bright enough even to be considered. Beyond that for someone who wants to reduce the size of the state he’s (a) making no obvious plans to do so and (b) talking an awful lot about governing Britain. Dave, you’re just another paternalist, authoritarian, statist cunt, aren’t you?

Fuck off. Next!

97… 98… 99… 100. Coming, ready or not.

I’m not sure if Karl Winn, the soon-to-be recipient of a poppy I intend to buy for him, is playing Hide and Seek by hiding behind new company names or Sardines by sharing his offices with two other companies. Sharing the phone too, which is convenient since they’re all in the SEO and web design business. From The Filthy Engineer again:

How many Web design companies are there at 17 Cornishway, Taunton?

http://www.pumpkin-media.co.uk/contactus.php

http://www.webeurope.co.uk/

http://www.easycms.co.uk/

And they’ve all got the same telephone number.

You know, Karl, if you just stood up and said that it’s your company and you’ll hire whoever the fuck you like for whatever reasons you choose I could respect that. You’d still be a cunt in my book, but at least you’d only be a cunt for comparing ex-forces personnel to kiddy fiddlers and murderers. That’s just strong disagreement. This is strong disagreement and my deepest contempt.

Mannker – UPDATED.

Via the Grumpy Old Twat I see that an MP is indulging in a bit of blogger bullying. John Mann, MP for Bassetlaw (Labour, natch) seems unhappy that there’s a less than complimentary website dedicated to him and is threatening it with a libel action if the bits he doesn’t like aren’t removed.

You own a website called ‘Mannisms’. Amongst a series of puerile comments such as referring to me as a ‘wanker’ the website contains inaccurate and libellous material.

The libel, which contains allegations about Parliamentary expenses, is actionable.

You have until 14:00 hours on Thursday 11 March to remove these allegations or legal action will commence against you for libel.

Bit tricky to remove the ones he doesn’t like when he doesn’t actually identify them, though the blogger says he quite happy to do so when each is pointed out to him – not, he says, that he recalls ever having made an allegation unless asking questions and requesting explanations somehow counts. The ironic part is that Mann has apparently signed an EDM that in a nutshell says that English libel laws are tilted in favour of palintiffs, encourage libel tourism, inhibit free speech and are badly in need of reform, yet as the Mannisms blogger says

… he sends a letter threatening me with a libel action because I publish something he doesn’t like.
This is my MP.

I’d say that ‘wanker’ is an insufficiently strong term for John Mann.

UPDATE – and another one via Mr Eugenides. This time it’s George Galloway, the cat suited cunt.

I’m a PC ….. and I’m a complete bastard.

I’ve mentioned before that I like my Macs but I’m not completely in love with the company that made them. This is partly my own experience with less than stellar after sales care (actually I thought it was just as bad as any other cuntputer company). And it’s partly their ridiculous twattishness over some IP matters, such as anything involving the word ‘apple’ or anything that looks even fucking remotely like an apple and names for apps that include the name of the Apple product they’re designed for. And it’s partly that they seem prepared to use the thinnest of excuses to avoid warranty work. I mean, fag smoke? Be-fucking-have. Now, courtesy of Cracked.com, five reasons you should be scared of Apple.

Personally I don’t actually need any more reasons. They’ve got me as a customer because the desktop machine is ultra-reliable and the laptop is great when it works, which to be fair is more often that the Windolt machine it replaced but for more than $2,000 it fucking well should do. But they’ve been sufficiently wankerish about the MacBook’s issues that Apple Care effectively became instantly worthless. And the so called Genius couldn’t understand why I wouldn’t buy it, or replace our Nokias with iPhones or treat myself to a new iPod to replace a very elderly one on its last legs. So no iPhones, no iPod, no Apple Care. Instead new Nokias (much cheaper) and, as threatened, a new generic MP3 player (also cheaper and with a hilariously ripped off not quite a clickwheel interface). And a new tool kit for MacBooks so I can fix the cunting thing myself when it refuses to play nice. Lost sales to Apple, thick end of $3000.

Good work, fucknuts.