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Image of Jesus seen in picture of Jesus

Well, it’s about the last place the faithful no, gullible and/or desperate for their 15 minutes have actually looked for an image of their lord and saviour, various of them having claimed to have seen him in clouds, random bits of wood, chocolate bars and even ruined cookware.*

Toby Elles, 22, made the discovery after burning the food when he fell asleep while cooking.
After lifting off the scorched bacon Mr Elles, from Salford, Lancs, could not believe his eyes when the Christlike image stared back at him.
The face is complete with eyes, nose, a beard and is framed by long flowing hair.

Well, let’s have a look then.

Okay, I’ll grant you that it looks kind of like a bearded man, but does that mean it’s Jesus and not some randomised scraps of carbonised bacon fat? Not only does it seem unlikely that Jesus, who was Jewish if I recall, would choose to re-appear in bacon fat [and personally] I think it looks like John Lennon without his glasses.

However, let’s for a moment assume that this is a benchmark for what the Son of Man looks like, and of course ignore the fact that what Yeshua of Nazareth actually looked like probably wasn’t the medieval bearded guy from church windows or the BeeGee lookalike from more contemporary Christian art but a regular 1st century Palestinian male. So, if that’s an image of Jesus who’s this guy in the sock?

Sarah Crane, 38, said she was stunned when she saw a bearded man staring back at her from the laundry line.
Her boyfriend agreed the crumpled grey “holy sock” bore an uncanny likeness to the traditional image of Christ, and the couple took photographs to show their friends.

Oh, for fuck’s sake. I’m going to regret this, but let’s have a look anyway.

Really? Look, firstly that doesn’t even look like a bearded man. I can see a face-like pattern, though that’s perfectly natural and happens to people all the time, but to begin with I thought it look more like a robot than a human face before finally deciding that actually it reminded me a bit of Eddie from Iron Maiden album cover art.

Of course we’re talking about the classic 1980s Eddie

And secondly, even if it did look like a bearded man it doesn’t look like the bearded man in the frying pan who, it’s suggested, is not John Lennon but our Redeemer, though unfortunately neither of them look a lot like I’d expect an ancient Palestinian to look and nor do they look like Jesus of Marmite Jar or Jesus of Cheap Interior Door.** And of course there’s a reason for that: not everyone with a bloody beard is Jesus. I mean look up there at Eddie… see it? Beard. And Eddie the Head isn’t even slightly saintly, much less Christ like. I shouldn’t need to spell this out but beard ≠ Jesus.

Plus, and I realise this is obvious to both my readers, these things are not Jesus but are the leftovers of a couple of ruined slices of cured pig meat, a cheap sock, a few cents of plastic with some random blobs of yeast extract, and a fucking door. In fact the only three things that links these and any other example of the Jesus-appears-in-random-everyday-object phenomenon is their different looking Jesuses, their essential non-Jesusness that follows from the inability to agree on what Jesus looked like, and their being obsessed over by nutters. And by nutters I don’t mean religious believers, though no doubt some are, but dedicated non thinkers who’d rather believe that they’ve been blessed by an entity whose existence is unproved, and if you ask me pretty doubtful, than that human beings are so naturally predisposed to recognising patterns that they see them in things that are random and patternless.

I mean, what’s the alternative? Yes, the bloke who burned his bacon might like to think how miraculous it was he didn’t die in the fire, but other people do die in fires all the time. Are we to believe that the Good Lord saves those who nod off while making bacon sarnies but not from dodgy wiring that they don’t even know about? And the others, what do we make of those? Are B group vitamins particularly holy? Blessed are the squeaky doors, for they shall inherit the earth? Is the Bible wrong and Jesus actually say unto Peter “You are my sock, and on this sock I shall build my church” or does he just want to cure corns and verrucas?

Not if the experience of the sock Jesus woman is any indication.

They even talked about creating a shrine to the sock but then the face was lost when they moved it.

I was half expecting the Ascension to be mentioned at this point but fortunately for both my head and my desk it never came up. Instead, and almost as laughable, this:

“We think it’s a bit of a sign – but for what we don’t know.”

Well, I can think of a couple of things that it could be a sign of. One is that you might just be a fucking idiot, and the other is that with electronic media making the space for online news practically infinite every day is a sufficiently slow news day for this stuff to be included, even if it’s so ridiculous and embarrassing that nobody wants to put their byline on it.

I hope that 2012 will be the year this guff goes out of fashion in the MSM, but I’m not holding my breath. In fact I’m afraid that if that happens at all it’ll only be because the 2012 Mayan apocalypse non-prediction and associated cockwaftery will be taking centre stage instead.

And there’s no point saying “God help us” because if he’s there at all he’s probably too busy laughing.

* For those with the patience of Job or who find the whole thing funny (the only way I cope with this kind of lunacy) The Tele has a whole gallery of this stuff.
** Linking that really went against the grain.

In Soviet Russia the news make you – UPDATED


I don’t care if Tatyana Limanov’s fuck you finger was for technicians who were putting her off, if there’s any more to that than knee-jerk denial of the ‘Niet, we haff no tanks in Czechislowakia’ variety. The timing was sensational and if it really was aimed at the Obamessiah then fair dos, all I want to know is if she’s going to top it when she reads out something that mentions David Cameron and if so whether it’ll involve mooning the camera.

UPDATE – YouTube’s already pulled the video, by the sounds of things after a copyright dummyspit from the holders, REN TV. I’ve just changed it to one that’s still up but I expect that’ll get taken down before long too, so here’s a screencap for posterity.

Failing at internet

Click for linky

Under the hashtag #mencallmethings, female bloggers, columnists and Twitter regulars have started reprinting some of the threats they say they receive daily from anonymous emailers, posters and other trolls.
While milder insults such as feminazi and ugly bitch are common, so, also were threats of rape and other violence. New Yorker Shelby Knox was told to “die in a fire”. Guardian columnist Suzanne Moore said she “can’t put here some stuff men write to me. It involves dismemberment, blood and excrement”.
Prominent feminist blogger Jessica Valenti welcomed the #mencallmethings hashtag as a way of fighting back.

Anna Raccoon has already gone into this in depth and if you haven’t already read it I do recommend nipping over and seeing what she had to say on it. All I’ll say is firstly that those threats that clearly can’t be followed through on are empty threats and therefore, while no doubt unpleasant, actually no real threat at all; secondly that I’m not sure this really is trolling (see Dizzy); and thirdly if it is trolling then it’s worth remembering that the internet has a fairly long established procedure for dealing with trolls:

Now, hands up everyone who thinks repeating their spittle flecked ramblings on line under a slightly plaintive sounding hashtag like #mencallmethings instead of, say, #whatabunchofsoftcocks or #hahahayouwontrapeanyonewiththatlittlething, qualifies as not feeding the trolls.

Someone? Anyone? Anyone at all? No?

Quote of the Day

Or possibly Tweet of the Week, on the subject of the comedian that nobody had heard of until the bellend pied Rupert Murdoch.

Last night, Mr May-Bowles’s membership of the Labour Party was suspended and a woman claiming to be his girlfriend posted on Twitter: “Not funny. Not clever. Not your girlfriend.”

Still, calling him a greedy billionaire like that… comic genius, eh?


The Blairs’ trip Down Under

Thanks to Tom in the comments on yesterday morning’s blog about the grinning mutation coming to Melbourne and charging a thousand bucks a head to listen to him, I see that the Blairs are, as Tom describes it, taking tentative steps into the theme parks business.

Click for linky

The couple initially delighted parents at their 11-year-old son Leo’s school by agreeing to host the get-together at their seven-bedroom mansion near Chequers.
However, the mood of some parents darkened when they discovered that the Blairs were charging each person £10 for a seat on a coach from the school in Central London to the mansion in Buckinghamshire.
The Blairs have banned parents from driving directly to the estate for security reasons, asking parents to board the bus instead.
One mother of a child who is in Leo’s year said: ‘I’m livid. The Blairs are rich and can afford it, but lots of families in the area are poor.’

It has to be said that while there’s nothing wrong with it as such it’s not very sensible to combine being generous enough to host the event and then refuse to allow people to make their own travel arrangements, leaving them no alternative but to be charged for the transport the Blair’s are laying on. As a old Theme Park player I’d suggest they reduce the prices of the food a little but add lots of salt and then rip the arse out of the drinks prices, if that hasn’t already occurred to them.

However, if the speaking tour is cover for getting theme park ideas I have to say they’re starting in the wrong place. I think the theme parks are mostly up around the Gold Coast, 50 miles or so from Brisbane where they’re going the day after Melbourne. True, Melbourne does have a fair bit worth seeing and is a decent place to come for a visit, but it’s a bit light on theme parks except for old Luna Park in St Kilda. Oh, wait a moment…

Nah. Can’t be.