Nothing else will happen this week, and nothing at all for several weeks round next June

In the same way that I didn’t care about two people I’d never met and and am not likely to meet getting married and was really quite sick of hearing about it by the time it actually happened, I don’t care that they’re now expectant parents. I’m not being curmudgeonly here. I’m delighted when people I know break the happy news that they’re having a baby, but I manage the disappointment of not hearing about it from the >99.9999% of the world I’ve never met and am overcome with indifference when it’s a sleb. What I said of the weddingathon is just as applicable now:

Despite my long standing republicanish tendencies I don’t harbour any ill will towards William and Kate. Okay, it does annoy me slightly that unless Australia ditches the monarchy he’ll be ‘my’ king one day, but that’s not his fault. The poor bugger never asked for the job and for all any of us know may turn it down when the time comes. So no, I have nothing against them, but I don’t know them and they don’t know me and it’s vanishingly unlikely that that will ever change, which means I have nothing but indifference towards them either. Sorry if this isn’t entering the flag-waving spirit that seems expected of everybody British born, but I’m just not prepared to jump on the bandwagon and sit here pretending that it’s in any way meaningful to me.

And there’s no reason anyone else should apart from the fact that millions are adherents of the cult of celebrity, of which the British Royal family is very much a part. Somewhere in Vietnam there’s probably a Mr and Mrs Nguyen who are also expecting their first child, and the indifference of rest of the world is such that not only does it not care, it doesn’t even know whether or not Mr and Mrs Nguyen exist. Worse, parts of it are probably only dimly aware of the country they live in because some good movies have been made about a bad war there.

Putting it another way, have a look at this screencap of a Google image search.

Screen shot 2012-12-04 at 11.14.00

Do you personally know any of the people in the images? Do you feel the need to express joyous feelings towards the ones you don’t know? Obviously you hope people’s pregnancies go well because you’re a weapons grade shit if you sit there wishing all the various horrible pregnancy complications on someone, but do you feel like e-mailing photo libraries asking for your congratulations to be passed along to any of the couples in the images? No? No inclination at all? So why will millions be mailing St James’ Palace?

This is something that happens to most people sooner or later and I don’t get why I should be expected to express happiness, or any emotion at all, for Wills and Kate when nobody thinks I should for any of the other 7 billion people who aren’t in my own social circle. I do get that it’s welcomed by some who can expect to get away with releasing bad news while most of the world and media are distracted for several months, and I do get that it’s welcomed by the media themselves who can milk it thoroughly for cheap news of poor Kate’s latest bout of morning sickness.

But I don’t get why it’s of more than academic interest to the rest of us and why any couple expecting a child should also expect to have to release images of the fucking sonograms to the press. Or for that matter break the news much earlier than planned because a hospital admission would only lead to press speculation otherwise.

So now we all know, okay? Any chance we can leave it there and just have the one day of multi-page coverage when the royal sprog/s is/are dropped? I ask in hope, but no real expectation, of not seeing the news filled with speculation of the baby’s name, sex, weight and eventual height and fashion preferences for the next several months.

Posted on December 4, 2012, in Uncategorized and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 13 Comments.

  1. Hello again Mr Angry E.

    Perhaps you’ve missed something here? If you’re not sharing this wonderful Royal event, then you’ll miss the fun of seeing what happens if the blessed child pops out ginger of head. What will poor Wills (Peace be upon him) think? What will his ‘very’ slightly surprised daddy and mummy (Continued bliss be upon them) do? What will Charles and his now Royal Ho (Crap-upon the pair of ’em) say?

    It’s all fun mate – get with it. The muslim brotherhood have got England by the throat now anyway… so enjoy the fun while it lasts. I don’t think those chaps will fancy our over-rated royals being around too much longer… do you?

    Of course (cunning move coming up) I’m a true Royalist at heart – honest. It’s all written in the way of light hearted banter m’lud.

    • Nope. If it comes out a ranga or even with a full beard and hung like Ron Jeremey it’s still not my business and I’ll still be mildly annoyed if someone thinks an umbilical themed Google doodle or something is a good way to mark it.

  2. For many months now, the British public has watched the pandas in Edinburgh zoo with bated breath, looking for signs of a happy event.

    Since Kate & Wills got there first, I suspect they are in for much the same kind of scrutiny as the pandas would have experienced; bread, circuses and vicarious babies.

    At least Britain won’t have to hand this baby over to the Chinese government in nine years time – unless all the current pro-China ‘tiger economy’ reporting at the BBC means that the Tiger Economy has a much bigger hold on us than we thought.

  3. Pity them? (waxed he, shocked to the core) Name the ones you pity?

    I can’t believe that my hero has suddenly turned Royal pityist (if there isn’t such a word there is now). Repent sinner.

    • By way of example, I pity Wills and Harry for having to live in a fucking goldfish bowl but not their old man (assuming just the one) or their nan. I feel that one of those is a sell out while the other is a dangerously illiberal loon.

  4. At least spare a thought for the poor girl busy spewing her guts while everyone else breaks out the champers.

    I had the same thing; it struck without warning halfway through a walk and I threw up seven times before I got home (three of them outside the local rugby club, who, at least, must be used to that sort of thing),

    I can’t imagine what it must be like to have the eyes of the world trained on you when you can’t even keep a few sips of water down for five minutes.

  5. They don’t have to live in a gold fish bowl.

    They might like to think that they have to but nothing’s stopping them from simply dropping below the ever revolving radar. On the other hand, we who were born below the revolver, have few, if fuck-all, chances to do much of anything monumental (on a smallish scale because I’m not that big headed) with our lives. We could become famous footballers of course – but I’m no good at it. Rap artists maybe….? A politician…? No, they’re just a bunch of lying crooks.

    I noticed in the Sunday Times last week that a male porno star has been summoned to Hollywood so producers there can take a peek at his credentials. They think that now the ladies have become turned onto porn, he’ll rake in mega moolah for ’em. Good on him I say but I’m not real big at that either. No too bad, if you know what I mean… but not great.

    I’d sooner be Wills… honest Mr Angry. Anyways up, I just can’t bring myself to pity his position with his old lady – even if it’s in gold-fish bowl. Matter of fact I’d …..

    But you know all that stuff.

    Probably you’re too busy penning another great, true and ever so funny rant right now, so I’ll bid you goodnight mate.

    By the way, I sense your expletive explosions aren’t the juicy bangers they used to be. Any particular reason or aren’t you meeting that many fuck-wits lately? (loved it – I fell off the chair)

    Another by the way, who the fuck’s Ron Jeremey?

  6. I am secretly hoping that they name the child Twatty. When earlier royals have managed the old inny/outy and bred successfully, millions of couples around the globe named their child after the royal sprog.

    In a year or so, when you come across people who have named their child Twatty, identifying brainless morons will become so much easier…..


    • Like it. I’d also like it if they got modern and pretentious. “Yes, we’re spelling it J O R G E, but it’s pronounced George…” First state visit to a Spanish speaking nation would go well.

  7. “I don’t care that they’re now expectant parents.”

    My feelings too. I was going to post on it, but working up enough enthusiasm isn’t easy. As you say, I don’t know them and never will. It’s just a celebrity game and like most of these games it demeans us.

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