Want a new drill?
I don’t but if I did I’d certainly order it from TradeTools.com, the people behind this advert (PDF). Click to seriously embiggerise or read a couple of the highlights below – there are points on offer for every reference to one of Julia Gillard’s policies and there may be prize for the one who spots the most.
COMRADE JULIA Has Take Over TradeTools???
Thank goodness NO! But if she did, the following scary changes would quickly happen:
1. We’d have a doubling of our backroom office staff with rostered days off, possible 9 day fortnights & committee meetings to decide on which fair trade coffee we should all begin drinking! Every store would have a children’s crèche of course. Selling tools would immediately become a strangely secondary issue for Julia.
2. With all those extra staff to pay, that amazingly none of us here ever realised we needed before, Julia would think it quite okay to begin raising all selling prices at TradeTools. She would absolutely believe that all customers would fully understand that our cost base had markedly increased, but be amazed when many started taking 24 years of hard won business elsewhere in confusion & frustration!
No, I didn’t say that. I said… er… I said, there’d be no carpet tacks. Yes
that’s what I said. Yes, ban carpet tacks, just gripper rods from now on.
4. … she would quickly notice that our mining company customers seemed to be doing quite well, particularly as they were buying so much equipment. Due to this brilliant observation, she would think it totally acceptable to single out all these successful mining companies then charge them a lot more for our huge range of products over what we charge all other customers. She would then wonder why on earth all the miners thought she’d gone bonkers? These intrepid miners would immediately begin looking for alternative suppliers of course, a real mystery to Comrade Julia…
5. Julia must secretly despise power tools as they use electricity from power companies that she loves to disparagingly call “big polluters”. This is even though she is a large power user herself but seems to hypocritically believe that electricity is in some strange way evil… She would then make an alliance with some flaky inventor in order to source wind or solar powered drills & saws. This dynamic duo of rocket scientists would then wonder why nobody wanted to buy their new enviro powered drills & saws, even though they only cost twice as much, were twice as big & had half the power…
6. Julia would promise not to introduce price increases just prior to being elected as boss of TradeTools, shortly after knifing the previous head honcho in the back that is. Immediately after becoming boss though, she would completely renege on this price promise, bleating about having never really meant it anyway, or some other such nonsensical drivel involving cars & roads. She would then mysteriously ask for mass consultation, even though her mind was already & obviously made up for us years ago…
9. We’d spend much of the week attending occupational workplace health & safety courses as Julia, in her wisdom as our Nanna, would never believe that any of us are truly capable of using our own common sense & survival instincts. It’s amazing that she knows all this even though she wouldn’t know what 75% of what TradeTools sells actually does. This training would give the new mix of TradeTools guys & girls something to do as there would be far fewer customers left to serve by now anyway. This is a good old left wing strategy that always works, until the real world hard earned money runs out, as it always mysteriously seems to…
10. Julia would have the most expensive builders she could find build temporary looking workplace safety training rooms in every TradeTools car park. This would involve squandering previously accumulated profits to overpay her builders who would then supposedly spend their windfalls in the adjoining TradeTools store on tools. Trouble is, they thought she was actually raving mad & instead bought all their workers overseas holidays or new plasma TV’s. There was plenty of space in the car parks after all, space that throngs of once happy TradeTools customers previously parked their utes all over.
The ending is sensational.
Let’s be brutally honest & admit that ‘Comrade Julia’ could never run a medium sized private company like TradeTools; think about it, it would be absolute madness to even let someone like her try. Neither has Julia ever understood the now well proven rule that socialism is wonderful, until you run out of somebody else’s money! So, most of us at TradeTools really do now wonder why on earth we have someone broadly like her waddling around trying to run Australia? And we all hope something’s done before it’s all too late!
From Most Of The Hard Working & Heavily Taxed Staff At TradeTools.
Did you spot them all? Well done, but I’m terribly sorry about the prize. It was going to be a packet of the last carpet tacks made in Australia, which I felt was suitable for their rarity value. However, carpet tacks haven’t been banned after all. Funny that, eh?
Still, on the upside it’s nice to see that there’s a fightback going on. It’d be nice to think that those being screwed by the carbon tax will all bump into those being screwed because they smoke, and there’ll be a big mutual ‘What, you as well?’ moment. The biggest pity for me is that the opposition leader Tony Abbott’s only real advantage over Julia Gillard is that he’s not Julia Gillard. Since that was also Cameramong’s main advantage over Gordon Brown, though with Cameramong it seemed to go as far as being an actual policy, this whole business of someone promising something and reneging on it while I have little faith that the alternative would actually reverse it has more than a touch of déjà vu.
Big H/T to the Real World Libertarian for the TradeTools advert.