There’s just no getting away from it – UPDATED
Apparently, if this morning’s papers are to be believed, in England a quite pretty girl called Kate has married an apparently quite nice bloke called William, who happens to be a prince.
|Click for embiggerfication and extra brain damage|
This is of such resounding importance that there’s even a special Google Doodle for it. I can only assume that since this is this morning’s news rather than yesterday evening’s news this must be an entirely separate story to that of Prince William marrying long term partner Kate Middleton yesterday. That Channel 7 were showing just before the Sydney vs Carlton game, and which they marked by some complete bollocks about the match being a meeting of footy royalty and a special commemorative coin being used for the toss. And which we just had to hear about in an update at half time.
Yes, yes, very nice, happy couple, hooray, and Harry resisted the temptation to draw an enormous shaving foam cock on the bonnet of the car or put a turbot on the exhaust pipe.* And absolutely nothing else happened overnight, did it?
| Not much, apparently. Oh, some tornados killed some people,
but they weren’t royal and probably not as pretty.
Look, media fucknuts, there are more important things going on than the bloody royal wedding, okay? We do not need to hear every single last trivial detail about her aunt who bought them a blender from John Lewis because she always buys a blender as a wedding gift, or his distant cousin who bought the gold plated 18 slice custom made toaster and a man to turn it on and off. We don’t need to hear how Phil the Bubble said something offensive at the reception, or that Charles made an arse of himself dancing, or about whether Harry got off with both the bridesmaids. And the only people who really need to hear where they are honeymooning are the people who’ve taken the bookings, though with the continuing policy of invasive and highly personal physical searches by the TSA I’d advise them against going to the US unless they’re either exempted or up for someone copping a feel of their new spouse.
Honestly, unless it turns out that David Icke was right all along and that either Kate Middleton is also a shape shifting lizard being and always has been (or is going to be turned into one – I’m really not sure how it’s supposed to work) you really can stop now. Report something else, anything else.
UPDATE – Thanks to Dick Puddlecote leaving a comment about how Aussie PM and part time republican Gingery Dullard’s shit hat I had to go looking at pictures. Dick was quite right but in fairness to Jules hers wasn’t the worst. I genuinely laughed out loud when I saw Princess Bea’s beige door knocker hat and the nightmare image of Tara Powder-Tomkinson with a giant blue vagina nailed to her head by a rose will haunt me forever.
* Actually this is very old hat. Every intelligent royal groom these days knows that he should check the exhaust for turbot. If a royal best royal man wants to stink the car up he should put some Beluga caviar down the heater vents.